The Dump

I tried to think of a pithy lead-in to this month's column, a way to gloss over my current situation with a hook, a joke . . . anything. But readers, all I can say to you is this: I loved a boy name Jesse for two and a half years. He was my first date, my first meaningful kiss, my first relationship, my first everything. And, well now, he is my first breakup. That’s right folks, I've been dumped.

Our Story

Jesse and I met the summer right before I went to college. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and he, just coming off a bad breakup, didn’t want to rush into another relationship. We spent what is still my best summer together. When we were together, it always felt so easy and simple. I’d never felt so comfortable with a boy so fast (I've been in single-sex institutions since I was 5, this was a big deal). Then I left for college and he was just a summer fling.

When I got to school, I couldn't shake Jesse. Freshman orientation is hook-up central, but Jesse was the only person I wanted. The weird thing about my attraction to Jesse was how instantaneous and intense it was, especially because he was so not my “type.” I am a self-professed fashionista, a curvy little bubble of high-strung energy. Jesse is a big, bearded lumberjack. He is calm and simple, and gentle and kind--even though he looks like he could crush you with his pinkie.

On paper we don’t match. He's pre-med, I'm an English major. He loves Grateful Dead and ponchos, I love indie rock and got over ponchos two years ago when they went out of style. It didn't matter, though, we bonded on the deepest levels possible and learned so much from each other. At the end of the day, he saw me as nobody else could, and I like to think that I was someone he could open up to.

After months of awkward e-mails and phone calls, we ended up together and fell in love. I didn't know that love could actually be painful, which it sometimes was. Our relationship was epic, we made each other happy, but so sad, in that contradictory way that all great loves do.

The Downward Spiral

So what happened? Well, we had issues, like all couples. This was both of our first big relationship, and learning how to be in love is hard, especially at this age. The distance only aggravated our issues, as I worried about other girls because I wasn't there. I never could figure out why Jesse loved me so much, which lead to a lot of insecurities and a lot of fights. He didn't like when I went out to clubs, and visits took us away from our lives at college.

Since he is a year behind me, he never had a semester of college without having to give up weekends of bonding with friends. Things only escalated when I went to London for my semester abroad, and in the end, the distance was just too great.

So he broke up with me.

The first few days were tough, especially because it was done over the phone before I'd gotten to see him after my 3 months away. I called, he wouldn’t answer. I cried and he would say "We aren't together--I don’t have to deal with this." When he came home, we met a few times, we fought, and I begged. I admit I called him too much. I stopped eating and sleeping. I could not let go. Overall, I acted in a manner that I’m not sure deserves any self-respect. The worst part is that I blame myself. I reason if I had not gone abroad or if I had just flown home for Thanksgiving, or if I'd sent one more postcard, I would not have lost the love of this man who meant the world to me.

Surviving the Hurt

I know my situation is not unique, but it certainly feels like it. I know people survive and I know that with time, I'll see the good in this. But right now, I don’t want this. I don't think I ever will. I love Jesse, as pathetic as it is since he no longer loves me, and although he tells me "You'll get over it," I know that feelings exist on a continuum. For now, I can only believe that Jesse will always make my stomach drop and my heart race. Everyday is like a fresh heartbreak, a new reason to miss him or wish I were with him. We're working on friendship, which is successful 50% of the time, and the other 50% is just too painful.

So in the meantime, I work on myself. I try to ignore my heavy heart and perpetual stomachache. Who's to say what will happen with Jesse and I after time. But for right now it just has to be over.

To the few readers who still respect me after reading this saga, don't be afraid of the kind of love that runs you through the ringer. Opening your heart to the intensity of true love means you're going to feel the pain of it.

But take it from one girl: if you had the kind of love that makes you feel like you've been through ten rounds of a heavyweight-boxing match, you know it was worth something.