There is that moment at the end of the First Date, after the witty banter and flattering lighting ,when you are greeted with the “Should I or shouldn’t I?" moment. Do I invite him up? Hearty handshake or full on freak-nasty? Some of you may read that sentence and vehemently respond "No!" I applaud your convictions, but chances are at some point most women will wrestle with this dilemma.

A few weeks ago I had a “first date” and was nervous, so I contacted my friend Tom looking for a little male advice to calm me down. He advised, “ Don’t sleep with him, he’ll think you’re a slut.” Blunt, which did little to calm my nerves but it certainly got me thinking.  Even in our hook-up friendly society, the age-old question still persists: Does sex on the first date ruin your chances at something more?

On one hand we women are strong, independent, liberated. Shouldn’t that carry into the bedroom? Shouldn’t a woman be able to have a date, and if there isn't a connection, have sex and walk away without really caring about the outcome? Men have sex just for the sake of sex, so women can too. But if it doesn’t matter if you hear from that person afterwards, then you probably don't like them all that much. And if that’s the case, why have sex? 

Yes, casual sex is fun and gratifying to a certain degree. And yes, relationships can grow from sexual foundations. But in my experience, truly good sex comes with a connection that is built by experiencing a person in a non-sexual way. More often than not, women will want more than just sex. It’s a fact that women find it harder to separate sex and emotion. On a purely mental level it is detrimental to rush into a sexual encounter because it is rarely as emotionally fulfilling as needed.

Having sex after the first date is kind of like showing all your cards in a game of poker. Once you expose your proverbial “royal flush” all of the stakes disappear,  then why continue to play the game? In my opinion, rushing into sex can be fulfilling in the moment, but in the long run it’s a dead end.

Waiting to do the deed gives guys an opportunity to get to know you, wonder about you and fall head over heels.  Raise the stakes and make them work for it, not for the sake of winning the game, but to give you the opportunity of having a fulfilling relationship inside and outside of the bedroom.

For further reading on the topic, pick up Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both by Laura Sessions Stepp.