The social experiences you have as an undergraduate are some of the most memorable things about college. Although you may retain much of what you heard in lecture and read in text books, it is often what happened after class and on the weekends that taught you the most about your changing identity and relationships with other people.  

In graduate school, there is a shift of focus from the social to the academic because students are presented with the opportunity to focus entirely on the field that interests them, and they are trying to develop a body of work or knowledge. It is easier to really pour yourself into your studies when you are learning only what is appropriate for your area of interest; however, it is still possible, and important, to develop a social network in graduate school.  

The graduate student who does not develop a social network can be very lonely indeed, especially in the summer and during other times when course work is light and classes aren’t in session. Many graduate students move to a new city, state or even country to attend a university. These kinds of moves cause disruption in any person’s established social network, whether that person has just graduated from college, lives with her husband and children, or has retired from one career and is interested in pursuing another. Even if the move to graduate school is not far physically from established relationships, it may be far psychologically.  

It is really satisfying to develop friendships with people who share your passions, and graduate school is an excellent place to do so. In fact, many social relationships that begin in graduate school wind up leading to research partnerships, business or artistic collaborations, and some even end in marriage. But of course, it all has to begin with one interested party taking the initiative to talk to the other in a friendly, rather than professional or academic way.  

If you lived on campus as an undergraduate, you will remember how opportunities to make friends were actually structured right into your schedule by the administration. There were the inevitable friendships that formed because of a roommate situation, or a shared hallway or dorm building. There were places on campus, like dining halls, student unions, and parks, where one could run into classmates or dorm mates. Usually there were even social events, like movie nights, concerts and rallies organized months in advance by student groups—not to mention that, for undergraduates, rumors of frat parties spread faster than meningitis.  

Although as an undergraduate it may have been easy to meet people, some students experienced what I like to call short-term best friend syndrome. Many students are nervous in their new social setting, and because of this, they will find a person they can relate to in some way and suddenly the two of them are spending a lot of time together and relying on one another for a large amount of support. Then, as time passes, they realize they don’t have that much or common after all, or they’ve totally worn out one another’s patience.  

Whether your next destination after college is graduate school or the beginning of your career, you will find that relationships outside of the dorms, the frat parties and the student union form more slowly, but are often more rewarding. Most adults have already experienced the kinds of relationships that come and go, and they have learned more about what they need from other people. They have firmer boundaries and more reluctant to invest themselves in a person just because of one shared interest.  

When I first moved a thousand miles from my family and college friends in order to attend graduate school, I was expecting to more or less make instant friends, a whole group of them, with whom I could share passions, secrets and bottles of wine. The reality, though, was that it took a very long time to form those relationships with people, and, in the end, I’m glad it did, because it means the energy I invest into these friendship is not energy recklessly spent. I know the people with whom I am forming strong relationships as a graduate student are not going to dump me because I have a boyfriend now, or because their other neighbor got a fake ID.  

So how do you go about making these great grad school friends? You can begin by asking a classmate who seems interesting out for a drink or a meal after class. Many graduate courses are scheduled in the evening, during dinner time, and so my classmates and I eventually got into the habit of going to a restaurant afterward to eat, drink, and discuss academics or other topics.  

Another good thing to bear in mind is that, like all students, many grad students are not in the most lucrative phases of their lives, so coming up with inexpensive ways to have fun is another great way to build that social network with classmates. Taking turns having dinner parties, or, better yet, potlucks, is a great, inexpensive way to get together, and it renders the constant eating out unnecessary. If you decide to host such an event, my advice is to invite more people than necessary because, inevitably, graduate students have lives—jobs or kids or other relationships and interests that will preclude them from attending some events.  

When you have a party or get together, invite your new friends and invite a group of people with whom you might like to be friends, and see what kind of vibe is created by the mixture. Extend food, drink and camaraderie, and it will, in almost all cases, come back to you. If you arrive in graduate school and it seems like there is not a social network, because the students are too shy or too busy, you may have to accept that if forming one is important to you, you have to initiate it. And although the development of these new relationships may seem slow, especially in comparison to your undergraduate experience, they are developing nevertheless.