Want to get caught up on past entries in Jade's diary? Read chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16.

Dear Diary,

I went to bed pondering many thoughts and the same thoughts were on my mind when I woke up. I couldn’t believe how Tyrell and I unraveled last night. I knew that we were coming to that fork in the road where we would have to decide if we were going to get serious or ultimately be friends. Clearly it is obvious that a relationship is out the window. He is in love with another woman. Who wants to be a consolation prize?

Now I don’t know if I want to be friends. Ty will always have a soft spot in my heart due to what happened, but I think time apart would be best. Maybe after we have had some time away from each other we could pick up the real friendship where we left off. I really would hate to lose him all together.

My thoughts getting dressed drifted to Justin. I thought about the incident in the club and everything that led up to it. The entire summer had been a waste. With all my efforts to move on I really hadn’t done a thing to make any movements forward. I was like Fred Flintstone getting ready to go to work, hopping in his car moving his feet, but not going anywhere. I never was at peace and wasn’t ready to move on. I am so ready now.

I didn’t know what Justin wanted to say to me, but all I wanted to do was make arrangements to get the rest of my things and to get my great grandmother’s ring back in my possession. I also planned on wishing him a nice life, and in my heart I knew I would sincerely mean it. The time for revenge has past, that road was filled with too many potholes. I want to travel on a road that is smooth as a fresh blacktopped highway.

I decided that I would wear my black pinstriped business suit and red pumps, nothing too glamorous. I no longer had the desire to show Justin what he had lost. At this point I don’t think Justin looks at our relationship as a loss. I already know I am beautiful and worth having--for me to dress up like some sex kitten to prove something that I already know would be to fall back into the pit that I was in the entire summer. No thanks, not going to do that. I decided to slick my hair back and wear a black polka dot scarf around my neck. I’m about business today.

On my way to work I had a great conversation with Greg. He is a real ham. I am really starting to like him. The more I talk to him the more I want to get to know him. Although I am clearly interested in him, I am fighting desire to fantasize. I realize now that when I meet a guy I am interested in, I have the tendency to start to build up all sorts of fantasies in my head: What would our first date be like? What would our wedding be like? Who would our children look like? My old ways of thinking sound crazy to me now. I start building a life with a man before the relationship is on solid ground.

Look at Justin and me. The foundation of our relationship was crumbling underneath our feet, but I was too busy planning the rest of our lives to address the issues that were tearing us apart. I even fantasized about the first date with the Morris Chestnut look alike, and look how disastrous that turned out to be. I began to fantasize with Tyrell too. Maybe we could pick up the broken chards of our past relationships and create something new with the two of us…silly pipe dream. How could we? Neither one of us had healed. He was too in love and I was too bitter. It was fun while it lasted though.

Ty gave me a call on my Sidekick. I ignored it while I was at work. I figured that we said all that we had to say last night. When I was going to bed I thought we had said too much and would never be able to go back, but the dawn of a new day always brings new revelations. There is nothing to go back to in a romantic sense. I sent Ty a text message thanking him for being there for me this summer. I also wrote that I think we need time apart and that we should go back to being just platonic friends.

I knew that was the punk way to handle things, but I couldn’t look him in his face or hear the sound of his voice after the way we ended things last night. I didn’t know if I would scream or cry or just go into myself like a turtle ducking its head in its shell. He returned my text and agreed that time apart would be best. My exile from him started officially today.

The hours at worked ticked by at a fair pace, but my nervousness about my pending meeting with Justin peaked a new high with each passing hour. I started to think that I was being set up. Maybe Justin called me there to have Michelle fight me, or maybe he would snatch me up and kidnap me. All sorts of insane scenarios passed through my mind. My stomach tightened and I started to become nauseous.

By the time I left worked I had totally freaked myself out. I almost chickened out of the meeting and was going to send a lame excuse to Justin for a rain check. The key word being almost. I walked out the door of my job and a delicious summer breeze caressed my face. I realized that breeze would probably be the last one I would feel until summer comes back around again. The season is ending. My season with Justin ended months ago. It is time to officially close our chapter so I manned up and sent Justin a text letting him know that I was on my way.

My butterflies had resurfaced by the time I had returned to my old place. I felt like I had I had like a hundred of them fluttering around in my belly, bumping against each other, and colliding into the lining of my stomach. I thought returning here I would be angry, but I wasn’t. I was nervous, but I couldn’t understand why. I guess it was the fear of the unknown that tweaked my anxiety. I knocked on the door and felt my body beginning to tremble. I took hold of my nerves and forced my body to freeze. I stood before his door like an ice statue standing in the middle of an artic tundra. I refused to melt.

Justin opened the door. His face looked tired. He turned around and proceeded to walk. I continued to stand frozen at the threshold of his apartment. When he realized that I didn’t follow he turned around and invited me in.

As I entered the apartment I felt as if I was walking into a time warp. The apartment hadn’t changed at all. Every piece of furniture was still there, what had changed was the energy. This place used to feel like our place. I use to be able to feel my spirit here, but it had evaporated a long time ago. The energy felt foreign and cold. It made me realize that I would never call this place home again. I asked permission to sit down on the couch, something I had never done before.

He said yes and looked at me as if to say why would you have to ask permission to take a seat. In my mind, I was a guest now and guests ask permission before they make moves in other people’s households. I took a seat and crossed my legs. He walked away and left me alone for a moment. He came back and handed me my grandmother’s ring. I thanked him and placed the ring on my finger. He sat down on the loveseat across from me. I asked him would it be ok if I came back on the weekend to get the rest of my things. He consented. We stared at each other for a moment. I was going to get up and leave when he started to speak.

“I wanted to apologize for Michelle wearing the jewelry. She….”

“Why was she ever wearing it in the first place? I thought screwing my best friend was bad, but that just takes the damn cake. That was the most disrespectful thing you could have ever done to me and I didn’t deserve it.”

“I know it was wrong Jade. That is why I am apologizing. Michelle had seen the jewelry in the room and thought it was a gift. She didn’t know it was yours. When she found out, she demanded that I give it back right away and apologize.”

“Why did she have to tell you to give it back? And that is BS about her not knowing that the jewelry was mine. I showed her my great grandmother’s jewelry on New Year’s…but at this point that is neither here nor there. I don’t have anything else to say regarding this subject. I have my jewelry back. Are we done here?”

“You know, I thought we could remain friends.”

“Friends? Are you serious?”

“What happened to us, Jade?”

“What happened? What happened is you broke up with me to go and freak off with someone that I thought was my best friend. That is what happened.”

“I wish you would stop playing the victim. We were having problems for months and you know it. If anything happened between Michelle and me, it happened after we broke up.”

“Give me a break…. you know the two of you were heading down the road of an affair long before we broke up.”

“Jade please. Stop acting like you are innocent. You were constantly flirting with dudes behind my back. You think I didn’t know. I knew about that guy you were talking to before we broke up. Yeah…. some guy that look like the dude from Boyz In The Hood. You never listened to me when it came to the finances. You spent money like it was going out of style. You made me feel you were only with me for my money.”

“Word. Who told you all of this? I bet the same person who shares your bed right now. I guess she doesn’t ask you for a thing right?”

“I have offered to help her. She has suffered a lot.”

“She has suckered you too with her sob stories. It is funny how you want to call out my sins but you had no respect for me and you know it. Michelle wasn’t the first. She was just the one that was cunning enough to get you to leave. You were flirtatious too, collecting numbers. How did I find that out? I found out from the same person that you are taking care of right now. She played the strategy of divide and conquer…and did exactly that. What is so sad is that we allowed her to do it…. I allowed her to do it. ”

“You can’t blame Michelle.”

“I don’t blame Michelle. I don’t blame anyone anymore. It is what it is. Just know Justin that our break up assassinated my life as I knew it. I had our lives planned…everything. And it is not just us…I was so close to your mother. She was like a second mom to me, and I loved the rest of your family too. Now that is all gone.

"Instead of dreaming about what our life was going to be like, I should have been paying attention. You were the love of my life. I don’t see how I could have loved you more. I tried my best. I guess you did too, but like I said Justin it is neither here nor there. It is what it is. Nothing is going to change. I just hope you are happy with the decisions you are making. As for me…I’m done with all of this and I’m looking forward to what life has to offer. I’ll be back on Saturday to pick up the rest of my stuff. I will call before I come over.”

I stood up and walked over to him. I told him to be happy as I dropped a spare set of keys that I had in his lap, then I walked out of my past, closing the door behind me for good.

On another note, I have decided to register for Rutgers. I know I will have to pay a crazy late registration fee, but it is time for new beginnings, a fresh start, and meeting new people. Greg is someone new…but I’m on cruise control. I want to thank you diary for being there for me. You have been the best confidant. When I first started keeping this journal I didn’t know what to call you, but finally I know now. I will call you friend. I think I will have to start a new diary to discuss all the new adventures I plan to embark on. This diary is finished.