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Allison Davis October 4, 2006 - 9:06am.  Comment
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A few weeks ago I found myself playing happy hostess to my boyfriend and his closest friends. I’m a smart girl, plus I read Cosmo, so I know who the gatekeepers are when it comes guys, the mom and the “dudes”. I’ve already wooed the mom, but I still needed a way to get through gate number two.
To be honest, this is year two of my relationship and I haven’t found a way in with his friends. I’ve tried football tickets, sat through samurai movie nights, offered food, dates with my hot friends and nothing. But still, I forge on. Anyway long story short, I planned a pool party/trashy TV. night complete with hoagies and boy friendly iPod playlists. I spent the night being ignored. I was ignored in the pool, in the kitchen, on the couch. If Dr. Seuss were to write a book about my alienation, he’d have a 20-page list of places to rhyme.
I find it frustrating that I will always just be “the girlfriend”, when it comes to my best friends they 100% accept my boyfriend as their actual friend. I alternate between being hurt that they don’t really seem to like me, being outraged that they don’t really like me. I just want to yell, “Give me a break! I spent 15 years in single-sex academic environments! I don’t speak boy.” Mostly, I just feel sad because there s a part of his life that I will never be a part of.
I know the importance of befriending the boyfriend’s friends. I get that it’s like the number one way to build a long-lasting relationship, blah blah. But what happens when you can’t earn your membership into the boys club?
Some of you maybe reading this and thinking, “wow, she’s got issues”, but I bet there are many who have encountered this problem. So what do you do? Writing them off will only create problems, complaining to your boyfriend will only create problems but you can’t ignore your pride, because that too will create problems. Being one of the guys isn’t effortless, and sometimes the friends aren’t going to love you right away. But I refuse to believe that this means the relationship is doomed. Maybe it’s a perk! Less Bond marathons for me!
For the time being, I’ve just accepted that these guys won’t accept me. Accepted that for whatever reason, in that mysterious male psyche, they will not initiate me. Maybe they need to make sure I won’t hurt their best friend, maybe they are all so in love with me they can’t see straight (kidding!), chances are they are just socially awkward college boys. As long as I’m with him and it matters to him, I’ll keep trying to work my way in…but if you have quick tips to fit in….for the love of god, send ‘em my way.
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Hi Allison,
I've been a member of University Chic for some time, but this is my first comment, as a man (Heterosexual of course) I may have some useful insights. I've worked with Womens' Organization in Florida and now I work as a consultant and lobbyist for Women's Org's. I tune into University Chic to get some idea of college aged and young professional women's lives. So, you're story is intriguing to say the least.
I read your article and what you're experiencing is as old as love itself. Most men, regardless of age, have a tuff time connecting with their freinds' girlfreind, especially if they met her through their freind (that connection is key because they can't see, speak to or meet without your Boy Freinds Permission). In your article, you mentioned "that maybe they're all so in love with me", well I'm sure there is something to that statement. From the outside looking in, you've done your due dilligence to build happiness and togetherness into your relationship and his freinds probably see your value as a Woman, but to connect with you in any meaningfull way would break one of those unwritten rules Men live by and learn from experience to avoid. To connect with you might cause some tention between your boyfreind and the freind or freinds that connect with you. Because, to do so, would mean the freind has achieved a closeness with you that is outside of his freinds acknowledgement. And, while you would NEVER act on any of that. We know that Men are not always as loyal as women and might attempt something in a vunerable moment (Have you seen the Best Man w/Tay Diggs). But, keep up the good work, over time you'll get to know them just fine. It's the result of youth and immaturity and there's really nothing you can do other than be patient. Also, be glad they won't initiate you, Men have some weird rituals that you don't want to go into.
In any event, know this from an Old Guy whose been there and done that. Your on the right track, if you become the ONE, they'll all know why and probably regret that they didn't get you first.
Good Luck
James James
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