Mixed Signals: Can Words Speak Louder Than Actions?

Mike,

I've just started dating someone who just ended a 3 year relationship with his HS girlfriend. (2 years were long distance because they went to separate schools). We hooked up at a party a month ago and I like him a lot. He talks a lot about how he's really relieved to be single right now. But at the same time, he's always calling me to come over and hang out at his place, and he acts really sweet and cuddly like a boyfriend. I thought he wanted to be single! If he's not ready for a relationship, fine, but then he shouldn't act like my boyfriend! What do you think? I'm so confused.

Sorry to hear that you're confused. Obviously there's a problem with communication--he's says he's relieved to be single, but his actions say the opposite. I've been in a situation where I've sent a mixed signal (or two) and it was all because of greed. Your friend-with-boyfriend-tendencies just got out of a 3-year long-term relationship. So now, after serving his sentence, he can finally enjoy freedom! He'll enjoy the simple pleasantries of the single life: a boy's night out, leading to the courting of a new woman like yourself. If he wanted a relationship, he might have stayed in the one he was in.

Yet the question remains: why is he so clingy? He could be starving for attention, or he just wants it all. About two-thirds of his past relationship was long distance. That means no touchy-touchy. His possibly overwhelming desire for companionship might not have anything to do with his like for you, no offense. As a man, he's making up for lost times with a lovely lady. If he weren't spending time with you, he'd be with someone else. Not to say he doesn't like you, but his invites aren't driven by a change of heart. His new girl--you--happens to have a more accessible zip code. Just because he acts like a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be one. Just like acting like your studying doesn't necessarily mean your getting straight A's.

Actions speak louder than words, but that doesn't mean not to listen to what a person says. If he says he's relieved to be single--regardless of the late night visits, midday spooning, and random check-up calls--you should believe him.

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