The Closure Cure

When it comes to relationships, why does it seem as though women are the first to fall but the last to leave? Why do we hang onto any last shred of hope - no matter how small it may be - that a relationship can be fixed?

While being in love can be the most gratifying and enjoyable experience, losing love has the ability to be the worst possible feeling. We all have been there; it’s the morning after the big break up and you can hardly move, let alone think about leaving the house. You rush to find your phone as soon as you hear the first note of your ringtone (read: it is only your mom - every time), and you check your Facebook constantly. Finally, after hours (OK, more like minutes) of attempting to restrain yourself, you pick up the phone and dial his number.

Surprisingly he answers (which sucks since you had an entire voice mail planned out) and you begin to make your case. You beg and plead and say that you realize everything was your fault and that you know how to fix things. Then, when he says he’s not so interested in making it work, you begin the relentless task of asking “why." “Why did it have to end this way?” “Why don’t you love me anymore?”

Honestly ladies, as much as we wish there was an answer to these questions, you and I both know (deep down) that there sometimes there's no concrete reason “why."  We spend hours after a relationship ends contemplating what went wrong, beating ourselves up for days as we relive the recent history of our lives. In the process of all this analyzing and over thinking, we sometimes forget what the reality of relationships is; only ONE will be "the one."  We won’t marry every person we fall in love with (yes sad, but true!).

Breaking up sucks, but the reality is, the person who broke up with you doesn't want to be with you anymore (harsh, I know). It’s best to try to wrap your head around that idea and simply move on for the sake of your own sanity. There is no need to ask questions because honestly, how does someone answer “why don’t you love me anymore?” The answer is probably a lot more complicated than you think. A breakup, though it may seem easy for your ex, is never really black and white.

So, the question now is “how do I move on in a healthy way?” First, you need to purge your room, apartment, house (life!) of everything ex-related. That means, photos, gifts, and even that shirt of his you still sleep in. This doesn’t mean you need to throw them out, just set them aside for a little while. Next, you need to cut off all contact. That’s right - no Facebook messages, no late night (drunk) texts, and certainly no phone calls. Delete him from your cell, block him on FB, and let your friends know you're not interested in knowing about his new pics, status updates, or ANYTHING that suggests he's moved on. This is the most important thing. At first, I didn’t want to believe that this would work either, but here is a little secret; the less you talk to your ex, see your ex, or contemplate your ex,  the more you forget what it's like to be with him. And as soon as this starts to happen, your life begins to move forward and the pain starts to subside little by little.

Just be realistic. You can’t change someone’s feelings, but you can maintain your dignity and self-respect by putting an invisible wall up around your heart so you're not tempted to call and beg him to come back. The same goes when you see your ex over Thanksgiving break. No stalking, no yelling, and no drunk crying! Not only does it make you look like a hot mess, it also lets him know he has control over your feelings.

It's nice to have closure when something great ends unexpectedly, but usually that doesn't happen. Sometimes that type of closure is simply unattainable. If that's the case, then closure has to become something you have to create within yourself and make peace with if you want to move on in a healthy way.

Sure, it hurts like right hell now (how many break-up songs can the radio play 24/7?), but you'll be feeling back to your old self in no time - PROMISE. Just be honest with yourself and remember that for whatever reason, this relationship wasn't right for you. Be positive! Eventually you WILL find someone better (no closure needed!) who's the perfect match. 

- Stephanie Vacchio, Union College