Being a single girl is like being a human target. A naked, pheromone ridden human target, surrounded by flashing neon signs. Remember that scene in Kill Bill Vol. 1, where The Bride and her sword fight off the entire Crazy 88 at the restaurant? That’s what my life has been like, ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend. You’d be surprised at the kinds of things guys will say in an attempt to get in a girl’s pants. Bolded are my picks for the best of the worst. Every day I’m exposed to a new low – because seriously, just when you think it can’t get any worse, you hear something like “Great legs, when do they open?”
Bad pick up lines are a dime a dozen. TheFrisky.com recently compiled a list of the top 20 eye-roll worthy lines, which included such gems from “Is your boyfriend sitting here? (sits down) Now he is.” to “I heard your ankles are having a party. Want to invite your pants down?” And then there’s this crowd pleaser: “Do you have any Italian in you?” “…no?” “Do you want some?”
I mean…there are just no words.
From BettyConfidential.com came even more cringe worthy one liners. “Was your father a baker?” one read. “Because you have amazing buns.” Worse still was this infuriatingly time-tested staple: “You must use Windex, because I can see myself in your pants.” Just kill me now.
A top ten list on AskMen.com recounted a few more of the usual standbys, such as “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?” and “You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my head all night.” along with a jaw-dropper that was new to me: “That shirt’s very becoming on you. Of course, if I was on you, I’d be coming too.” Seriously. Just reading these makes me want to throw my drink at a guy.
When I polled my friends for their favorite pick up lines of the year, the responses ran the gamut. “I’ve lost my teddy bear,” my facebook girlfriend Kasey Licht said. “Can I sleep with you?” I’m not 100% sure how sarcastic that statement was, to be honest. My high school summer camp friend Mary Kate Crumpler offered up a line that I’d actually been subjected to in real life: “You’re so pretty, you could be on my mudflaps!” Which, of course, translates to “You’re so physically appealing, I’d like to objectify you!” Sexy. This line, from my friend Christian Mitchell, was also pretty rage worthy: “Oh, so you’re a vegetarian? Well I’ll put a little MEAT in your system.” I also am vegetarian. Opposite gender, take notes: this line will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER score you a hot vegetarian chick. Ever. My partner in crime Christine Yamamori recounted a line she’d been served up during a math class: “I’m not being obtuse, but you’re a cute girl.” I had to give it to the guy – that one was actually pretty good. Another high school buddy – and a guy, nonetheless – Chris Stewart made me smile with his politically correct line “Baby, I’d commit at least 30,000 soldiers to your mountainous region.” That’s another one that’s just so wrong, it’s actually kind of right. But of course, leave it to my best friend Kimi Brown to remind me of how inherently disgusting pick up lines usually are in the first place: “My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t keep it in.” Awesome.
Guys, if you’re reading, here’s the deal on pick up lines: they pretty much give you a 50/50 shot at failure. Well…for me, it’s more like 70/30, because pick up lines usually translate into automatic failure as far as I’m concerned. If you’re going to do it, however, at least be clever about it? Being lecherous only gets you creeper points, but wittiness may actually get you a smile – and if you play your cards right, maybe even a phone number. So long as you don’t ask the girl if she ‘comes here often.’